I logged in to Twitter the other day to be assaulted by this assorted nonsense from my good friend jPar. Thankfully, it was not a sign of the impending apocalypse (close, but in a true portent of doom he would have been informed that he can invite friends via Hotmail, rather than Gmail; close call, but saved by a small detail).

∞ ∞ ∞

I’m updating from a PC… And feel like I need to wash my hands. Oh this is soooo gross. about 16 hours ago from web

Oh god, something just crawled out from under the PeeCee keyboard! It looks like a paperclip! IT’S ASKING IF I NEED HELP TWITTERING! about 16 hours ago from web

“It looks like you’re trying to Microblog via Twitter. You have 51 characters remaining.” MAKE IT STOP! about 16 hours ago from web

“Remember to tell folks what you’re doing & where you are.” MY EARS ARE BLEEDING! SOMEONE KILL THIS PAPERCLIP! His faux-folksieness MADDENS! about 16 hours ago from web

“Twitter is like Facebook, only without the applications. Would you like me to show you how to set your location?” THE PAPERCLIP HAS A GUN! about 16 hours ago from web

“Conserve space by using an ampersand instead of the word ‘and.'” HE’S POINTING THE GUN AT ME! SOMEONE GIVE ME A NEWSPAPER!! about 16 hours ago from web

“You can add friends via GMail or other popular online eMail clients.” HE’S SHOOTING AT ME! WHY, PAPERCLIP! YOU GODLESS MONSTER! WHY?!?!? about 16 hours ago from web

Crisis averted. I found a batch of papers and used him to fasten them together into a loose collective. Fucking Microsoft Paperclip. about 16 hours ago from web

Thank God Apple just has rockstars living in their software. STING: “It looks like you’re trying to play a sustained D harmonic…” about 16 hours ago from web

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