So I’ve been trolling the forums over at Bungie.net (and I mean actually trolling, not “trolling“) to get a feel for how the Halo: Reach beta is being received so far. There are a few positive things here and there, but the majority of the posts are full of vitriolic hate about how Halo: Reach isn’t exactly like Halo 2 or Halo 3 and how Bungie has abandoned their fans. Blah-de-blah-de-blah.
One particular gem shone through the darkness to really bring a sense of mischief to my mind. As a result, I dusted off my trusty Chain Gloves with +1 to Satire and prepared a response. First, here is his letter:
Dear Bungie,
For the past month i have been waiting for bungies latest installment in the halo series and with the hype and build up finally coming to and end with the halo reach beta coming out,i couldnt wait to get my teeth into it, but from what i can see so far my expectations have been greatly exaggurated.
Firstly the people at bungie have tried to make the game to much like call of duty and in doing so having killed the soul and fun aspect of the game we have all come to love. I mean seriously Jet packs? Which idiot came up with the idea of putting a jet pack into halo! if i wanted to use a jet pack i would have simply gone out to the shops and bought star wars for xbox not spent 2 hours of my life downloading reach.
Secondly i would like to express my hatrid towards the grab bags who decided that the battle rifle was too good for the game and replaced it with the single most worst, pathetic, sorry excuse for a gun i have ever seen. seriously do you exprect me to try and have a decent dual with some one who in the middle of it trys to slap the ground with the stupid armour lock perk. another reason why i am not going to buy reach is because of the worst beat down system to date! if i cant beat down someone who isnt one shot then there is a serious problem.
Please fix this game or you will loose probably your most finacial giving customer, because i always buy your stupid over priced map packs. seriously get a grip or i will go and play shadow run (A Game which takes skill like the previous halo games.)
Oh, and another thing try updating your servers so they dont crash when more than 5 people are trying to download or play the beta. i mean do you just keep it in a portacabin.
As disapointment goes mine is very big. i would like you to therefore refund my map packs and other purchases to date, and also send me a free bungie t-shirt.
Yours Faithfully
James Vickers ( Annoyed Fan)
And now, my response:
Dear James,
For the past month I have been waiting for iTz xViiCkerZx’s latest installment in the “I Wish Halo: Reach Was Exactly Like Everything I Expected It To Be But Not Really Any Different From Previous Halo Games That I Loved” series of rants and with the hype finally coming to an end with the “Complete and Utter Failure to Use Proper Spelling and Grammar Techniques” rant finally coming out, I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into it. Unfortunately, from what I can see so far, my expectations have been greatly exaggerated.
Firstly, iTz xViiCkerZx has tried to make the rant too much like a similar rant over at the Call of Duty forums and, in so doing, has removed the soul and the entertainment value of the rant we have all come to love. I mean seriously, complaining about jet packs? What kind of idiot comes up with the idea of complaining about a jet pack in a sci-fi war game?! If I wanted to play Halo 2 or Halo 3, I would have simply gone over to my game shelf, pulled it down, and placed it into my console rather than spending 2 hours of my life reading a very well-crafted book called The Strain (by Guillermo del Toro of “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “The Hobbit” fame), which I quite fortuitously had on hand to keep myself entertained while the Reach beta downloaded. Thank goodness for a means of entertainment as an alternative to my Xbox 360.
Secondly I would like to express my extreme displeasure over the paragraph complaining about the removal of the Battle Rifle. I really was hoping for a polite discourse over why iTz xViiCkerZx preferred to continue using the same exact weapons for three consecutive games, rather than getting the opportunity to try something new and exciting, as the developers fine-tune the already awesome franchise they’ve crafted. Seriously, do you expect me to just ignore the ignorant discourse of a child that has devoted his entire life to mastering a very specific skill set and is throwing a temper tantrum because he has to learn a new system in case someone decides to use the Armor Lock in the middle of combat? I am not going to read any more of these rants due to the most confusing sentence structure to date! If I can’t understand the point of a sentence due to unintelligible gibberish, then there is a serious problem.
Please fix this rant or you will probably lose your most avid reader. I always read your sloppy, overwrought, angst-ridden dissertations. Seriously get a grip or I will go and read a Stephen King novel (an author which takes pride in his work, like I once thought iTz xViiCkerZx did).
Oh, and another thing: try updating your dictionary software so that spell-check doesn’t crash when more than 5 errors are found in one post. I mean, unless you’re just choosing not to use it at all.
As disappointment goes, mine is very big (veiled penile humor intentional). I would like you to therefore refund my Bungie forum membership fee and other purchases to date (such as the T-shirt I bought at Target that got spaghetti sauce on it the first time I wore it, as well as the DVD player I got for Christmas that broke when I threw it against the wall because the Iron Man 2 trailer didn’t live up to my very stringent expectations). Please also send me a free “I’m With Vickers” t-shirt, if there are still any in stock.
Yours faithfully,
Jared Cash (satirist-for-hire)
Bwahaha…Jared…you are…AWESOME! I really enjoyed that.