Zephyrus of the Anemoi

Any kid that calls himself a hardcore gamer and has never been turned into an eggplant is full of shit. – Jesse Cash

Kid Icarus is easily one of the most difficult games I have ever played.

… … …

I’m going to let that sink in a bit, because many of the games I will talk about from the NES will fall into that category, but Kid Icarus goes a bit above and beyond. Let me explain.

You see, there are many incredibly difficult games for the NES. Ghosts ‘N Goblins comes to mind (or, as my brother believes it should be called, Fuck You, Kid!). The original Castlevania is also at the top of that list. Why, then, does Kid Icarus—a game that has a password system that allows you to continue your adventure at a later date—draw more ire than most NES games of its time?

The answer is hard to describe to any that have not played the game, and goes even deeper than you might realize, if you have ever played the original Metroid. In Metroid, players were challenged to continue the game in record time, unlocking different endings based on how quickly you beat the game, and whether or not you had already played through once before with the best ending.

Kid Icarus was built on the same game engine as Metroid and has a similar gameplay element. Getting the best ending in Kid Icarus is so complicated that it makes Calculus homework look simple. Essentially, every time you do anything in the game, it is translated into an invisible scoring system that you cannot track in the game. This scoring system is used to determine if Pit (your character) will gain Strength when entering certain levels of the game, or instead be told by the god inhabiting the room that you just didn’t make the cut.

This guy will repeatedly piss you off.

On top of that, every time you kill an enemy, you get XP that will give you additional Levels (and therefore, additional health bars) when you accumulate enough XP and finish a stage. Reaching the maximum Level and Strength are two of the things that will get you the best ending. The last two can be either very easy, or very difficult, depending on how you go about getting your Levels and Strength up. One of the other goals is to have 999 hearts at the end of the game. This may not sound difficult, but throughout most of the levels, there are a limited number of monsters that attack you in each area. Once they are gone, you must move on and hope to find more to kill soon. This can make it difficult to reach maximum hearts if you spend too many at the various shops in the game.

The last thing you can do is gather all of the weapon upgrades and keep them through the end of the game.

But to be honest, none of that shit really matters when it comes to what makes this game hard. One thing that truly sets a great Kid Icarus gamer apart from the others is finishing the game with Pit’s proper hair color. Gaining Strength will adjust Pit’s hair color throughout the game, but if you ever get hit by an eggplant thrown by one of the enemies in the dungeons, it’s all over. Once you turn yourself back into an angel, Pit’s hair color will forever be purple, no matter how many Strength upgrades you get. Finishing the game without purple hair requires a great deal of patience, particularly if you are also trying to get the best ending.

However, all of that is secondary to what makes this game great. It’s an action-RPG with all the critical numbers hidden from you (which forces you to work harder than ever to get the best ending). Add to the mix that the music is incredible, and the game is unforgettable. The only shame is that the game is so difficult to complete without failure (as most NES games are), making it very frustrating at times.

There’s also a sequel for the GameBoy, which is every bit as awesome and more. I highly recommend that you give them both a shot.

(Originally posted July 8, 2008)

“Dammit! I should have worn my closed-toe sandals! Screw it, I’ll just club the damned thing to death…”

While not on the Virtual Console, and not actually a game I’m currently playing, Battle of Olympus has been on my mind of late.

“Why?” you might ask. You didn’t, I know. Just saying. You might.

I’ve got two words for you: Zelda II: The Adventures of Link.

Wait, one, two, three, four– forget it.

Battle of Olympus is the single most awesome side-scrolling Zelda II clone ever. EVER. Let me explain. You play this little Greek dude who sets out on a quest to rescue some girl that was kidnapped by Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Epic, right?

You start off by naming your character and the heroine, who has absolutely no part in the story except that she was kidnapped. Then, you head into battle with all the monsters that have plagued Greek mythology for years: blue worms, red snakes, flying medusa heads—the usual.

As you progress, you’ll meet a few gods, they’ll give you some gifts like new sandals, better weapons (including a sword that shoots lightning bolts in exactly the same manner as the “zaps” from Link’s sword in Zelda II, except you don’t need full health to do it).

Okay, so the gameplay isn’t really something that blows away the competition. Two years after Zelda II and there really has been zero competition up to this point. So, instead of competing, we just steal liberally. The company that created this game is called Infinity. They don’t even exist anymore (it must be assumed, as they have no page of their own in Wikipedia).

The graphics for this game are top notch for a(n) NES title, especially considering it was released in the US in 1989, six years before Nintendo would finally pull the plug on the system.

When I finally get a chance to sit down and play this game again (i.e. if it ever comes out on the Virtual Console), you will get a proper review of it. Until then, if you have this game, pull it out and play it again. If not, I highly suggest finding a method of playing it and proceeding.

(Ed. note: It would appear that your character is named Orpheus and your girlfriend is Helene. Also, apparently you think she dies, when really Hades has forced her to become his bride. In all, it really doesn’t matter, and it’s way more fun when you make up your own story to go along.

For instance, when I play, my name is Mario, and my princess is in another castle.)

(Originally posted August 16, 2007)

Purple pajamas… white shoes… ninjas for hire in New York City… Seriously. This one writes itself.

There are three types of games you’re likely to see on this website. There are the games that are so incredible that I absolutely must tell you about them because I want you to have this wonderful experience that I did. There are the games that are so terrible, I have to warn you against them so that you don’t inadvertently spend money on utter crap *cough-cough* Moto Roader *cough*.

And then there are the games that I just happen to stumble across and simply must tell you about.

Wrath of the Black Manta is one of those games.

I recently came into possession of the NES on which my brother and I cut our teeth. This thing is so used that many games actually play more reliably if you leave the game in the “up” position, rather than the “down” position. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you didn’t own a NES, and you probably have no idea why you’re here. Thank you for coming. Please be quiet so as not to disturb the faithful.

One of the games that my brother had acquired since we stopped sharing everything was Black Manta. At first, I could only assume that this game would be horrendous beyond belief and that the person that last owned it was crying themselves to sleep in a mental institution trying to solve the riddle of a ninja wearing all purple in New York City.

The only way to describe this game properly is to show you. And so I shall…

The story of the game is told through a variety of cut-scenes composed of still images above text.

The first cut-scene starts off with your character receiving a phone call from your master. My first thought was of course, “Ninjas have phones?”

My second thought didn’t occur until the second or third time I played through the opening sequence.

Clearly, ninjas do not need to sleep. But must Black Manta wear his ninja clothing in the middle of the night when ninja-ing is not actually occurring?

Of course he does, he’s a freakin’ ninja.

So the phone rings and then apparently your master teleports through the phone to land in your living room, because lo and behold, he’s right there in the next image.

This is the part where I started to get bored, so I skipped past the rest. From what I was able to glean off the words flitting by, lots of children in New York are being kidnapped and the police and FBI are useless, as always.

So, being a ninja, you decide to put a stop to it. Why? Who the fuck knows? Your master just poofs into existence and suddenly you’re off killing guys in green jumpsuits firing guns at you.

Badly.

So once the gameplay begins, it quickly becomes apparent that you are more than a ninja, you are a superhero. You can jump the height of four oil drums without breaking a sweat, which is impressive in its own right. Further, you can summon forth fire balls to crawl across the ground and seek out your enemies, surround you for half a second to kill anyone that gets too close, launch across the screen to blow up those who oppose you, and generate an illusory ninja that stands on your head and throws real ninja stars.

Not even joking about the fact that your mirror image stands on your head. That has to be the most effective illusion ever.

The only drawback is that the game tries to show you that you have all of these abilities, but doesn’t bother to point out that you must hold down the attack button to trigger them. Thus, I spent the majority of the first game I played only throwing ninja stars and getting my ass kicked.

So you fight through the level, continually grabbing this tougher baddie in red to interrogate him, but apparently believing him every time he says he doesn’t know anything, choosing to let him go so that he can just run ahead 30 feet in the level to do it all over again. I mean, they don’t even bother recoloring him so that you can pretend its a different guy.

When you do finally reach the end of the level, you find a note telling you that Tiny is waiting in the next building. Very convenient. When you enter the giant whole in the wall of the otherwise structurally sound abandoned warehouse in the middle of NYC, you find the largest dwarf ever birthed from the depths of Hell.

Being the largest dwarf in history has its advantages, but one-on-one combat is not one of them. Tiny, so infuriated by the fact that his disproportionate body makes him incredibly in-agile and therefore incapable of taking on a ninja, he throws a temper tantrum, leaping into the air and shaking the ground with such force upon landing that a single brick always falls directly on the head of our hero.

This is where not knowing how to use your ninja powers bites you in the ass.

Finally, once you’ve thrown enough ninja stars into Tiny’s chin that the giganto-dwarf goes down for the count, you are rewarded with another cut-scene. I didn’t bother reading this one, either. The man in red makes an appearance while he’s talking to his boss and Manta decides it is time to head to Tokyo.

For some odd reason, when he gets there, rather than walking across the ground to get to his location, he decides to stand on what looks remarkably like a building from the previous level in the middle of nowhere. Ninjas wearing blankets on their backs are soaring through the air at you and provide you with the perfect opportunity to steal one and practice your ninja blanket-surfing skills.

This is pretty much the point where I gave up for the night, as suddenly I was accosted by a hundred green ninjas with blankets of their own that are capable of performing dogfighting maneuvers while throwing fireballs at you. After the sixth time I had died, I realized I had all I need to review this game.

So, what’s the verdict? is Wrath of the Black Manta a game worth owning? If it ever hits the Virtual Console, I highly recommend picking it up. You can’t beat the $5 price tag that it would wear and it’s certainly a lot of fun. The first level is a little challenging until you pick up the control scheme and realize the most effective way to kill the enemies is to wait until they run right up to you and you can stab ‘em up close and personal.

If you can find it on the NES, I recommend it, as well. While not as lasting as other ninja games, like Ninja Gaiden, the ability to use so many powers, and methods to increase your life from three hits to eight through the course of a level makes the game much easier, if a bit hokey.

I know I will be trying to finish the game in the coming weeks, and can definitely recommend it to a friend without feeling like I’m secretly punishing them.

(Originally posted August 19, 2007)

Total Recall, easily one of the worst games I’ve ever played, is redeemable for only one reason… Virtual glory-holes.

Thanks to Retroforce Go! for helping me discover this.

Welcome to the first (reposted) issue of Classic Gaming Sporadically.

This is just a space where I will throw up reviews and thoughts on whatever game I happen to be playing at the moment. I also plan to review new games released onto the Virtual Console in an attempt to protect those of you out there from buying shit.

Like Moto Roader.

I will be experimenting with the format and the theme as I try to find something that works for me, and hopefully for you, as well.

Check back often!

(Originally posted August 15, 2007)