Zephyrus of the Anemoi

“Better late than never,” grumbled Fall, as Winter rolled in across the Kansas plain.

“My apologies, brother,” spake Winter. “Spring had given me her assurances that she would take my watch. It would appear, however, that she is feeling under the weather this season.”

Fall clasped his cloak and donned his hat. With a small nod, he bade Winter farewell and went home for a much deserved rest.

Autumn came up with a really neat idea today to create cool night lights for the boys tonight. While at the hobby store, she picked up some jars shaped like light bulbs, complete with lids shaped like (made from?) actual bulb screws (and are even capable of being screwed into a light socket, which I don’t recommend unless you want to start a fire). We have around 50 glow bracelets in our house, because every time they’re on sale, Autumn buys a pack or two. Her idea was to cut them open and pour the liquid into the jars so that they glowed in the dark. However, during our trial run, we discovered that the liquid didn’t come out very easily and made a pretty big mess everywhere.

So, instead, we simply pushed the bracelets down inside the jars and screwed the lids back on tight. It actually turned out pretty cool. The boys put three glow bracelets into each jar. I went ahead and made one with four bracelets and took a couple of pictures of it to share with you all. The whole project cost $8 for 4 night lights ($1.75 a jar and $1.00 for 10 glow bracelets).

I was watching D.L. Hughley’s stand-up on Netflix tonight and he brought an important study to light for which men everywhere will thank him. The study finds that fellatio may significantly decrease the chances of breast cancer in women.

Dr. Mary Smith, one of the researchers on the fellatio study: “Only with regular occurrence will your chances be reduced.”

Oh, and it can help “shorten the length of a cold or a flu, can soothe a sore throat, and can help manage depression.”

Science is awesome.

So I’ve been trolling the forums over at Bungie.net (and I mean actually trolling, not “trolling“) to get a feel for how the Halo: Reach beta is being received so far. There are a few positive things here and there, but the majority of the posts are full of vitriolic hate about how Halo: Reach isn’t exactly like Halo 2 or Halo 3 and how Bungie has abandoned their fans. Blah-de-blah-de-blah.

One particular gem shone through the darkness to really bring a sense of mischief to my mind. As a result, I dusted off my trusty Chain Gloves with +1 to Satire and prepared a response. First, here is his letter:

Dear Bungie,

For the past month i have been waiting for bungies latest installment in the halo series and with the hype and build up finally coming to and end with the halo reach beta coming out,i couldnt wait to get my teeth into it, but from what i can see so far my expectations have been greatly exaggurated.

Firstly the people at bungie have tried to make the game to much like call of duty and in doing so having killed the soul and fun aspect of the game we have all come to love. I mean seriously Jet packs? Which idiot came up with the idea of putting a jet pack into halo! if i wanted to use a jet pack i would have simply gone out to the shops and bought star wars for xbox not spent 2 hours of my life downloading reach.

Secondly i would like to express my hatrid towards the grab bags who decided that the battle rifle was too good for the game and replaced it with the single most worst, pathetic, sorry excuse for a gun i have ever seen. seriously do you exprect me to try and have a decent dual with some one who in the middle of it trys to slap the ground with the stupid armour lock perk. another reason why i am not going to buy reach is because of the worst beat down system to date! if i cant beat down someone who isnt one shot then there is a serious problem.

Please fix this game or you will loose probably your most finacial giving customer, because i always buy your stupid over priced map packs. seriously get a grip or i will go and play shadow run (A Game which takes skill like the previous halo games.)

Oh, and another thing try updating your servers so they dont crash when more than 5 people are trying to download or play the beta. i mean do you just keep it in a portacabin.

As disapointment goes mine is very big. i would like you to therefore refund my map packs and other purchases to date, and also send me a free bungie t-shirt.

Yours Faithfully

James Vickers ( Annoyed Fan)

And now, my response:

Dear James,

For the past month I have been waiting for iTz xViiCkerZx’s latest installment in the “I Wish Halo: Reach Was Exactly Like Everything I Expected It To Be But Not Really Any Different From Previous Halo Games That I Loved” series of rants and with the hype finally coming to an end with the “Complete and Utter Failure to Use Proper Spelling and Grammar Techniques” rant finally coming out, I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into it. Unfortunately, from what I can see so far, my expectations have been greatly exaggerated.

Firstly, iTz xViiCkerZx has tried to make the rant too much like a similar rant over at the Call of Duty forums and, in so doing, has removed the soul and the entertainment value of the rant we have all come to love. I mean seriously, complaining about jet packs? What kind of idiot comes up with the idea of complaining about a jet pack in a sci-fi war game?! If I wanted to play Halo 2 or Halo 3, I would have simply gone over to my game shelf, pulled it down, and placed it into my console rather than spending 2 hours of my life reading a very well-crafted book called The Strain (by Guillermo del Toro of “Pan’s Labyrinth” and “The Hobbit” fame), which I quite fortuitously had on hand to keep myself entertained while the Reach beta downloaded. Thank goodness for a means of entertainment as an alternative to my Xbox 360.

Secondly I would like to express my extreme displeasure over the paragraph complaining about the removal of the Battle Rifle. I really was hoping for a polite discourse over why iTz xViiCkerZx preferred to continue using the same exact weapons for three consecutive games, rather than getting the opportunity to try something new and exciting, as the developers fine-tune the already awesome franchise they’ve crafted. Seriously, do you expect me to just ignore the ignorant discourse of a child that has devoted his entire life to mastering a very specific skill set and is throwing a temper tantrum because he has to learn a new system in case someone decides to use the Armor Lock in the middle of combat? I am not going to read any more of these rants due to the most confusing sentence structure to date! If I can’t understand the point of a sentence due to unintelligible gibberish, then there is a serious problem.

Please fix this rant or you will probably lose your most avid reader. I always read your sloppy, overwrought, angst-ridden dissertations. Seriously get a grip or I will go and read a Stephen King novel (an author which takes pride in his work, like I once thought iTz xViiCkerZx did).

Oh, and another thing: try updating your dictionary software so that spell-check doesn’t crash when more than 5 errors are found in one post. I mean, unless you’re just choosing not to use it at all.

As disappointment goes, mine is very big (veiled penile humor intentional). I would like you to therefore refund my Bungie forum membership fee and other purchases to date (such as the T-shirt I bought at Target that got spaghetti sauce on it the first time I wore it, as well as the DVD player I got for Christmas that broke when I threw it against the wall because the Iron Man 2 trailer didn’t live up to my very stringent expectations). Please also send me a free “I’m With Vickers” t-shirt, if there are still any in stock.

Yours faithfully,

Jared Cash (satirist-for-hire)

I was reading my daily dose of The Tanooki on Tuesday when I came across a video that really impressed me. I’m sure most of you have played (or at least heard of) Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I’m positive, however, that none of you ever predicted this. Now, I can’t kick a soccer ball to save my life, but I know quite a few people that are pretty skilled. The sheer amount of athletic ability required to achieve what is accomplished in the video linked above absolutely floors me. Sure, it’s a promotional video for the band Kasabian, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome.

I recommend watching it full-screen in HD here.

I was looking for a specific YouTube video for a friend of mine today and wound up recommending several to him. All of the videos are from the computer game Star Wars: Rebel Assault II, a rather entertaining computer game from the ’90s: one of the early-generation CD-ROM games.

In the game there was a cheat that enabled “theater mode”, a thinly-veiled Mystery Science Theater version of the game’s cinematics. Thanks to the magicks of YouTube, they have been preserved for your viewing pleasure. Here is the other easter egg I found while looking for the rest of the videos.

I had the opportunity today to discover two great albums.

The first is called Songs for Samus by Seed A.I. (click the link at the top of the page to download). It’s an excellent chiptunes album that includes a song you may recognize titled “While My Gameboy Gently Weeps”. You can also listen to the full-length of Lullabies of the Lost while at the site, as well. It’s a very catchy album that’s part ambience, part electronic, and fully epic. If you like the album, you can pick it up from iTunes here, or order a physical CD or even vinyl release from the site itself. If you’re a fan of this particular style of music, then I recommend checking out Bit Shifter (iTunes).

The second album is called Everyone You Love Will Be Happy Soon by Quiet Company. They are a rock band from Texas that use the piano as the focal-point of their musical stylings. If you’re a fan of Ben Folds, there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy Quiet Company.

You can pick up the latest album on iTunes here. If you like it, they’ve got another album from 3 years ago called Shine Honesty. You can pick that up here.

My dear friend and former roommate Elijah Loving just launched the revamped edition of his website, The Sixth Age. The Sixth Age is a graphic novel that he has been working on for the last couple years. The site was scheduled to officially launch on May 31st, but we were lucky enough to be granted access several days early. I highly recommend stopping by, perusing the art gallery that is available, and catch up on the info available about this world that Eli is building.

A little bit of info I think everyone should know about Elijah Loving:

• He plays goalie in soccer (footy if you’re European).
• His artwork is amazing.
• He once had a concussion that required he be awakened every 2 hours during the night. Since I was the only person that cared enough about him to do this horribly difficult job, I watched the entire* Star Wars trilogy with him in one night. He didn’t even make it through A New Hope before succumbing to the brain hemorrhage and I had to start smacking him awake.
• He beat Chuck Norris in a fight, but because he’s such a humble person, he has lied about it ever since to preserve Chuck’s image and ego.
• He is more organized than you.

So if any of these fun facts has inspired you to learn more about the awesome-sauce that pumps through his veins or how it can result in such incredibly cool watercolor art, then visit his site now.

*By “entire”, I am referring to the only Star Wars movies that matter, i.e. the original trilogy. If you disagree with this statement, kindly remove yourself from my website and do not breed.

I read this over at 8-Bit Theater quite some time ago and wanted to tell you all about it, but got distracted and saved it as a draft. I figured I might as well show it to you now. Enjoy!

I used to absolutely love this movie as a child. I’m not even joking. I would watch this once or twice a week for a month and then take a break and do it again a few months later. I wanted, more than anything, to be Leonard (Sean Astin). When I first saw Rudy years later, I immediately recognized Sean. I’ve looked and looked for a DVD or VHS release of this, but there has never been one that I can find. If anyone out there has a decent copy, please let me know. Or, if you have the ear of any Disney execs, please beg them for a release.

Anyway, the entire thing is on YouTube, so if you’re interested, check it out here.