#BattleshipLoveBlog

Last night I decided to watch BATTLESHIP, which is a mostly terrible movie that is full of big, stupid fun. I knew almost immediately that I was going to love hating this movie so I decided to do an impromptu live blog on App.net of my thoughts as I watched it. I’ve reposted the results here:

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr I’m watching Battleship. Prepare for a steady stream of commentary if this movie remains as epically awe-ful as it has been so far.

Awe-ful, by the way, is a very clever portmanteau of awesome and awful, which is absolutely 100% how I would describe this movie.

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr First thing I’ve noticed, this movie is like watching Independence Day without the obvious talent. There also seems to be some Armageddon and a whole lot of Transformers thrown in there for good measure, too. #BattleshipLiveBlog

Fun fact: Producers originally cast Ben Affleck in the lead role before they realized that Taylor Kitsch is, quote: “prettier and younger and at least 2% better at acting”. Yes, I know that it’s redundant to type ‘quote’ when I am using quotation marks, but I liked the way it sounded in my head and it’s my blog so nyaahhhh!

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Did the director even know anything about soccer? Overtime? Really?

#BattleshipLiveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Battleship is the story of a young Tom Cruise before he was shipped off to Top Gun to become the greatest helmsman that ever lived. Or something.

Oh, and Liam Neeson is his Navy dad, just like Tom Skerritt.

#BattleshipLiveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Janosz managed to become Secretary of Defense?! Looks like his time with Vigo taught him a lot.

#GhostbustersIIReference
#BattleshipLiveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr “There are aliens invading and the island is under attack. We need everyone off this mountain now. Okay? Now, rather than escorting you out of here, we’re going to leave you here to ignore this warning and do whatever you want.”

#BattleshipLiveBlog

Seriously, though, these guys earn the award for worst park rangers ever. Their deaths were in no way unfortunate because they deserved to get grind-murdered by space-blender-death-balls. Also, how fortunate was it that the guard with the keys to the abandoned jeep wasn’t completely ground into mushy-man-pulp so that they could recover said keys?

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Now it’s a buddy cop movie? Damn! This film’s got everything!

#BattleshipLoveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Hey, who decided to put a home for senior citizens on this boat? Good thing, though. We need a bunch of old guys that now how to work this thing. Pretty convenient that we were honoring them just before this all went down.

#BattleshipLiveBlog

No, I didn’t misspell ‘know’. I actually meant ‘now’. Stop judging me. It sounds totally awesome when you say it wrong like that.

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr MONTAGE TIME!!!

#BattleshipLiveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr Ding-ding-ding! Welcome to the main event! Battleship vs battleship!

#BattleshipLiveBlog
@zepfhyr
zepfhyr “Hold my beer for a second, I’m going to do a sweet kick flip with a 50-year old boat the size of Rhode Island.”

#BattleshipLiveBlog

I really, really, really want to know if it’s possible to do to the USS Missouri what these guys did. Because, if so, how awesome would Naval X-Games be?!

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr FX Designer: “Radio transmissions are invisible.”

Director: “Really? I’m pretty sure they look like concentrated energy blasts. Like in all the movies.”

FX Designer: “I hate my fucking job.”

#BattleshipLiveBlog

I had an issue with this at the beginning of the movie but I let it go because there were so many other awe-ful things to see. But when it became a critical plot point, I could no longer hold my tongue.

@zepfhyr
zepfhyr It’s a little known fact that blowing up space radio stations creates a chain reaction of explosions all along the power lines to the satellite dishes.

It’s science.

#BattleshipLiveBlog

At one point during my rantings, fellow appnetizen Greg Mooney caught my typo and pointed it out:

@gm
gm @zepfhyr "BattleshipLoveBlog" might be my favorite typo of the day.

As it turns out, the typo was on my “buddy cop” comment, so it fit perfectly. All-in-all, I enjoyed myself. And really, isn’t that what life is all about?

P.S. I kept hoping that the Japanese captain would order the attack on Oahu so I could point out the irony of a Japanese naval officer firing on Hawaii in an attempt to save it, rather than destroy it. Sadly, I was disappointed.

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